It's Got Electrolytes

"Kel?" Mitch asked while shutting the door to the freezer. "There's like, no more burritos or corn dogs. And, I think we're out of Coke's."

Mitch was staying with us for 6 weeks over his summer break - the break immediately preceding his senior year in high school. He'd been on the island for 10 days and so far had played XBox with Jameson at night and spent his days sleeping in and telling me how lame it was on the island. News flash.  Been there, bought the t-shirt.

I was sitting at the kitchen table which doubled as my desk during business hours.  I continued typing my work e-mail, "Totally fine. We'll run down to the marche in about an hour when my client is on lunch break."

Silence from Mitch, but I could see him out of my peripheral vision. Standing. Not moving.  I stopped typing and turned to give him my full attention.

"Child. You okay or is there something you need to tell  me?  And before you answer, is this something you'd rather tell your dad?" The only kind of teen-boy convo I was interested in having involved a reminder to wash his clothes.  "And seriously, those shorts are going to walk around on their own if you don't wash them soon.  The ewwww factor is over 10."

Standing in front of the refrigerator Mitch cocked one eyebrow, crossed his arms then shook his head. Ohmuhgawd! Mini-Jameson, sans tan.  This, I realized, must drive Sesame crazy on the daily.

"No, woman."

"Really? You're gonna go there?" I interrupted.  This actually elicited a laugh from the teen-monster.

Mental Checklist: talking to Mitch is just like talking to Jameson without responses with drawn out scientific data. Dammit.  Advantage = lost.

Mitch shuffled over to the breakfast bar and parked it.  "Woman, what  I'm trying to tell you is there's no food here. What am I supposed to eat for breakfast?"

"Last time I checked we had milk, cereal, eggs, bacon, sausage, juice -"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, none of that is corn dogs." The face on this kid - serious as a heart attack.

"Couldn't be grosser, child. Just putting it out there."

"What?" Mitch asked while practically laying on the breakfast bar. Hmm, must be from lack of energy due to staying up late to XBox and eating food with little to no nutritional value. "No, seriously. There's like, corn - which is a vegetable and the dog, which is like... a protein?"

All I could think of was Sara Rue spitting out, "It's got electrolytes. It's what plants crave." in the movie 'Idiocracy'.  If Mitch got a tan, he could totally pass for the CEO of Brawndo.  He was a step ahead with his like of Mountain Dew.

"So, when you're at home, Sesame force feeds you burritos before you leave for school? Are they gluten free?"

Crickets.  Still splayed out across the breakfast bar.

"You're going to have to wait. Your dad is going to be home in two shakes and then we've got to head out for the jet ski tour. I guess you'll have to make due." I turned back around to finish working all the while tapping my heel on the floor. Must finish work. Must finish work.

I'd just wrapped up my workflow summary and had closed the lid of my laptop when Ja raced through the door. We had about 3 minutes before we needed to leave if we wanted to be "island on time", which really meant 20 minutes late.  After tossing his backpack like a dead body in the hall, he threw open the freezer only to exclaim, "Wife!  What the hell? Where are the corn dogs?"

Awesome. I was married to Frito Pendejo.