New Math: 1 = 4

“I don’t know, Taff,” I said while holding the phone between my ear and shoulder so I could fold laundry.

Mental Checklist: take Grey with me to the Apple store to buy a new hands free device. My chiropractor spends way too much time on my C3P0.

“He’s been really quiet about it the past few weeks. I can tell Ja’s peeved about something, we just need to figure out what.”

“Ha! Good luck with that,” Taffi taunts back. “Your husband is as tight-lipped as Angelina Jolie in that move ‘Salt’. The man spills nothing. The only way you ever find stuff out is when Grey happens to be in the room with him to overhear a conversation. You’re lucky your son is a stone-cold motor mouth or you’d never know any of the dirt.”

“Oh, I really liked that movie. But, she was like scary skinny, don’t you think?”

“Totally agree. How can she go from ‘Tombraider’ to that and still do all of her own stunts? I wonder who her trainer is…””

“Crap! Off topic. What am I going to do?” Just then I hear the front door slam and Grey talking to one of his buddies from hockey. “Taff, I’ve got to go. The motor mouth just came home. I’ll catch you up later.”

If I was lucky, Grey had overheard Ja say something during the Goalie one-on-one session that morning. If I couldn’t get the goods from the source, I’d do the next best thing. Bribe the kid. Parenthood win.

“Hi, Marcus,” I nod to Grey’s friend and walk over to hug my son. “Good God, child! Did you bathe before you left practice?

“Mom, I already told you. You don’t wash off the hockey smell at the rink. It’s bad luck. I blocked all but 8 today and Dad said I was looking better, “ Grey answers then hugs me and rubs his sweaty head in my face.

“OK, OK, I give,” I say while pushing the sweaty tween off of me.  “Where’s your dad?”

Marcus answers, “He went up to the station to talk to my dad about Uncle Fester.”

I look at Grey, “Ja went to work to talk to your Uncle Barry about ‘The Adams Family’?”

Barry was Jameson’s oldest friend. They’d known each other since age 5, had remained friends as adults and now worked at the same station. If my husband was calling on Barry, he must really be annoyed.

“Wait, I don’t understand. Why is your dad talking to Barry about a TV show?”

“Ohhhhh, is that why your dad kept saying Uncle Fester? It’s from TV?” Marcus asked Grey.

“Yeah, dude. It’s like some old show that our parents watched when they were kids.” My son was pillaging the refrigerator so he couldn’t see my face blanch when he made that statement.

Mental Checklist: call Reba and have her request the TV Land channel from her cable provider.  Marcus needs to watch something other than reruns of ‘Alias’ on Netflix. How many times can he and Grey talk about Jennifer Garner in the lingerie episode?

“What is going on?” I ask Grey once more.   My husband’s ears must have been burning because my cell phone began playing the theme song to ‘The A-Team’. My husband was B. A. Baracus for Halloween last year and I had yet to find a new ringtone.

“Babe.  What’s up?” I answer my cell and walk into the family room leaving the boys to themselves in the kitchen.

“What’s up? Festus Morgan is what’s up,” Jameson answers. I can hear the chatter of the station in the background. Yep, he was with Barry.

“Wait.  Is this ‘The Adams Family’ thing that Grey was talking about? I didn’t even know you liked that show.”

“No. Festus Morgan is the name of my Admissions Advisor for AUC. He’s my direct contact for all of the paperwork  I need to turn in to formally get accepted to the school,” Jameson explains.

“Hold it! What do you mean to formally get accepted? I just sold the grill on Craigslist this morning. I love that grill. It has that special hook thing on the side to put your spices in while you cook.”

“Wife! Oh my God! Stop talking about the grill.”

OK, my husband just raised his voice and called me “Wife”. This was serious. Maybe I should sit down with some chardonnay in order to calmly continue this conversation.  

“Kel, here’s the deal,” my husband began.  “I got my letter saying they received my application but they need some additional information in order to formally accept me.  They only had 1 of my letters of recommendation on file and even though I’ve had my undergrad transcripts sent three times, Festus Morgan can’t find them.”

“What the hell? How did you send them?  Pony Express?”  I wondered.  How hard could it be to find transcripts with the last name Zavrakis? Are there that many applicants with a last name that starts with Z?

“What’s the plan? Are you calling the university to get the other letters sent? And, what about the transcripts?” I asked.

“I just talked to Festus. Before you ask, yes he called me on a Sunday,” score one for my husbands’ intuition.  “I think I put the fear of God in him the last time he told me he couldn’t find my transcripts. Anyway, he found my other 2 letters of recommendation and now I just have to send in my transcripts one more time.”

“So, the school with the 5 buck lunch specials employs a guy who either can’t spell or can’t read and said guy who is your advisor is advising you to spend more money to have your transcripts sent to his attention. Again. A fourth time.  Did I get that right?”  How does this guy still have a job? And, how many other applicants went through the same crap and then just gave up on the university to attend another one?

“Yep, “ my husband answers lifelessly. “I’m going to hang here with Barry and the guys for a bit. I’ll be home for dinner. Love ya.”

I told my husband that I loved him and then ended my call.

Mental Checklist: Google and Facebook stalk this Festus Morgan character. I'm going to miss that grill.